Me: Let’s start the conversation by telling people where we are. That’s how they do it in Vanity Fair.

Twitter Persona: Tell them we’re at The Mandarin Oriental. No wait. Tell them we’re at The Breslin at The Ace Hotel. I’m wearing a heather grey Alexander Wang tank dress, no makeup and my décolletage is showing. I’m picking at a scone. And I’m luminous.

Me: Ok. My first question is: Why do you rarely converse with other Twitterers? Isn’t Twitter supposed to be a conversation.

TP: I like to keep my home unfettered by @’s. Aesthetically it’s more fetching. I have mild OCD and when I’m surrounded by @’s I get uncomfortable.

Me: You do come across as very angsty and self-deprecating. Much more angsty than I am. Why?

TP: I think that’s a question you need to ask yourself.

Me: Well, I used to be very angsty. My book is angsty. I’m not as angsty anymore (though I’m still Jewish) but I guess I’m used to relying on angst for laughs.

TP: And self-deprecating?

Me: I think it will make people like me more. Next question. What if I told you that you’d probably have more followers if you followed more people? That you should be more like Julie Klam? Take the Julie Klam Twitter approach.

TP: That’s a risk I’m not willing to take. What if I start following more people and they don’t follow me back? Gradually my ratio will become unseemly. It’s happened before you know. I’ve followed someone and they didn’t follow me back. My little soul was crushed.

Me: So what did you do.

TP: After a few days I stopped following them. And then I felt like there was weird juju between us. In the shower I’d wonder if they knew I’d stopped following them. Or if they knew I was following them in the first place. But it’s not all about vanity. There’s also another reason why I don’t follow a lot of people.

Me: Why is that?

TP: Most people tweet enough for a family of five. I’ve had to stop following people for that very reason.

Me: Don’t you think that you ever tweet too much?

TP: I am very aware of my frequency-of-tweet. I tweet at maximum three times a day. Except yesterday when I tweeted four times, because you had a lot of news. But that’s rare. For the record: I don’t like tweeting your news. Nobody wants to read your news. I know what people really want. They want to read my observations. And like all Twitter personas, I think my observations are hilarious.

Me: Last question. What do you think about Facebook?

TP: What’s a Facebook?

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Published on June 16, 2010